Medieval Misconceptions: Harem Harlots

You are a sibyl.

A seer.

vision-of-the-future

What you divine now, as you gaze into the future, is the trumpeting of false history. 

A fallacious history of your own nation, written by those of another with an imperialist agenda to perpetuate. It is an ignorant history constructed by aristocrats who impose the values of their own nation onto every nation, and judge all according to one.

Far into the future, you watch as Western history transforms the women of your nation into willing whores, sexualized sylphs – a purposeful construction which sells their smut to entertain their men – while canonizing their women, who feel superior by comparison. The caricatures created by this history entertain their children – who grow up to pass the historical sludge on to to their children.

disney-aladdin

And the twisted image of your nation lives on in perpetuity…

harem

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5 Medieval Facts of Valentine’s Day

valentines-day-heart-and-flowers1.  The origin of Valentine’s Day was not all hearts & flowers. In fact, the only heart involved was that of a priest who had his own ripped from his holy chest.

And the only flowers were those placed upon his grave.

2.  In 3rd century Rome, Emperor Claudius II decreed that men with no wives or children made for better soldiers.

So, guess what he did?

He outlawed marriage for soldiers.

3.  A priest, Father Valentine, saw this as a grave injustice. He defied Claudius’ ruling, and  performed secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers. When Claudius uncovered the deception, he ordered that Father Valentine be tortured & killed. Continue reading

5 Medieval Facts of New Year’s

1.  January 1st was not considered a new year until recently. Most medievals celebrated New Year’s in mid-March, when melting snow followed by sprouting greenery signaled the awakening of new life.

new-year-clock

2.  The first medievals to celebrate the New Year on January 1st were the Romans in 153 B.C. January, as a month, did not even exist until Julius Caesar created a new calendar based on the sun instead of the moon.

In order to synchronize the calendar with the sun, he extended the year to 355 days. It was this new ‘Julian’ calendar that included the months of January and February, and heralded the celebration of the New Year in January.

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Medieval Massacre: Columbus “Discovers” America (Part 3)

Excerpt: “A People’s History of the United States

by Howard Zinn

columbus-wanted-for-genocide

Christopher Columbus

In Book Two of his History of the Indies, Las Casas (who at first urged replacing Indians by black slaves, thinking they were stronger and would survive, but later relented when he saw the effects on blacks) tells about the treatment of the Indians by the Spaniards. It is a unique account and deserves to be quoted at length:

Endless testimonies . .. prove the mild and pacific temperament of the natives…. But our work was to exasperate, ravage, kill, mangle and destroy; small wonder, then, if they tried to kill one of us now and then…. The admiral, it is true, was blind as those who came after him, and he was so anxious to please the King that he committed irreparable crimes against the Indians….

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Medieval Massacre: Columbus “Discovers” America (Part 2)

Excerpt: “A People’s History of the United States

by Howard Zinn

christopher-columbus

Because of Columbus’ exaggerated report and promises [to the King & Queen of Spain, who were financing his voyages], his second expedition was given seventeen ships and more than twelve hundred men.

The aim was clear: slaves and gold.

They went from island to island in the Caribbean, taking Indians as captives.

But as word spread of the European’s intent they found more and more empty villages. On Haiti, they found that the sailors left behind at Fort Navidad had been killed in a battle with the Indians, after they had roamed the island in gangs looking for gold, taking women and children as slaves for sex and labor.

Now, from his base on Haiti, Columbus sent expedition after expedition into the interior. They found no gold fields, but had to fill up the ships returning to Spain with some kind of dividend.

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Queen of Bloody Bitches III

 “Regarding punishment of heretics…methinks it ought be done without rashness, that it may be evident to all in this realm exactly how I minister true justice.”

Queen Mary Tudor of England

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Revenge is a bloody bitch.

sissy-spacek-as-carrie-covered-in-blood

They must all die.

You must do it.

You are compelled.

It is your sworn duty as Queen to purge England of its black plague of Protestantism

And also of those who have so egregiously wronged you in the past…

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Bloody Bitches: Pliny’s Pros & Other Cons

If a woman has this flow and looks into a mirror during this time, the mirror becomes like a bloody cloud.”

— De Secretis Mulierum (On the Secrets of Women) – circa 1300

mirror-image-of-bloody-woman

It wasn’t bad enough that men could not stand to look at bloody bitches; they made sure women would not want to look at themselves.

This, it turns out, is not so medieval.

A 1927 Johnson & Johnson “silent purchase coupon” for a box of Modess sanitary napkins promised, “This item may be obtained in a crowded store without embarrassment or discussion.”

silent-purchase-coupon

Though constant childbirth and breastfeeding meant that medieval women did not menstruate often, when they did, they were shunned.  Who would want to be in the orbit of a bleeding woman who could, with a glance,  “poison the eyes of children lying in their cradles?”

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Royal Poo-Pee

The royal party is jumpin.’

The gents are fine and gallant in tailored doublets over ruffled tunics, hose, and colorfully slashed breeches.The ladies are resplendent in vibrant, cleavage-boosting gowns – nobles in satin, brocade, damask..royals in sable, ermine, cloth of gold and purple silk.

medieval-royal-ball

Your hair is powdered and fluffy, your outfit recently cleaned, you even bathed your full body with herb or rose-scented water for the occasion.

The court is packed. Everyone who is anyone is in attendance: royals, noblemen and women, a bevy of great minds representing the arts, science and philosophy.

Music and laughter echo throughout the castle, and you feast on bronto-slabs of beef, veal, goat, mutton and suckling pig. You carelessly imbibe  godale, mead, and every type of wine – Cyprian, Rhine, Malmsy, Grenache, and of course, nectar. You step, leap, twirl, dip around the enormous, marble dance floor of this royal court.

medieval-royal-feast

Everything is gravy.

Until your bladder threatens to explode.

You must poo-pee.

Now!!

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