Writing Off Assholeys

broken-heartRemember how, in high school, when you thought you were the only girl in the world for some undercover asshole, he’d do something assholey that would dent your developing ego and piss you the hell off?

What did you do about it?

Some girls ranted & raged. Others curled up & cried. And then there were the ones who grabbed the nearest object & hurled it right at assholey’s head (or other parts).

Well, that was me.

Except I always grabbed words & regurgitated them all over assholey’s psyche.

I became high-school famous for this.

As one of the popular girls (social stratification in high school is unavoidable 🙄 ) it wasn’t expected that I’d put embarrassing feelings right out in the open like that. But I did. And doing so encouraged other girls in school to do it, too.

We victims of assholey-ness started a writing club, and anytime boyfriends assholey-ed us, we’d commandeer the gym or outdoor field in the middle of sports practice, and regurgitate our stories, poems, song lyrics, etc. all over the jock’s psyches.    

girl-power-flagAs this became common knowledge around school, our march to the gym became a Pied Piper event, with students falling in behind us, following us, and eventually cheering us on during our assholey-targeted regurgitations.

Our club membership grew, and my pride and joy was when guys (including a few assholeys) started joining & regurgitating their writings, too.

We, at first, had a rule that no prior regurgitated-upon assholeys could join. But, you know, it was high school & we were all bound to suffer bouts of assholey-ness.

So that rule changed to a stipulation that 3-time assholeys were booted out, but could perform acts of penance to get back in. Like public apologies to victims of their assholey-ness. These apologies quickly became standing room only events.

Some assholeys would get down on one knee, and make a grand, poetic apology a la Shakespeare. Others would come wearing a huge photo of an ass around their necks to demonstrate self-awareness of their assholey-ness. It was truly hilarious & we all had good times at these assholey fests.

letters-on-a-globeMy dad’s job caused our family to move around a lot, so I got to form these writing clubs at each new school. I wasn’t always the popular girl in every school, but became so upon starting this club. What’s amazing to me now is how readily kids joined – both stateside and overseas.

As if, universally, assholey-ness would not be tolerated in silence.

I love that.

The name of our writing club?

The Regurgi-tits. (I know. But in high school, ‘tits‘ — if you had any — were supreme power). We later changed the name when guys began joining.

The new name?

The WOA’s. (Writing Off Assholeys)

Our slogan?

[Hand up, in STOP motion] “Whoooooaaaaa, poop chute!

talk-to-the-hand

Good times!

🙂

In my teens, the words I created to hurl at assholeys may not have been the most eloquent or impressively arranged, but they did the job of getting out my pain & anger without involving homicide.

Anyway, here’s one of my many contributions to my sister (and brother) WOA’s:

YOU LIED TO ME

I had you followed, okay so I’m sneaky

But I’m not the one who’s been acting freaky.

You keep your car parked in her garage

Cuz my parlor’s closed and you need a massage.

I thought you’d respect me for taking my time,

But you like her clock better, it runs faster than mine.

With your foot in my door and one hand on the knob,

And your middle man beginning to throb…

.

CHORUS

You lied to me

You told me that you loved me.

You cried for me

To prove that it was true.

You lied to me

You said to me, “Oh, baby

You lied to me

Oh, baby there’s only you.”

 .

She must have been good

Cuz you didn’t call for days.

Then when you did,

Said you dreamed of me in lingerie.

 So I went out and bought some,

The sexiest on the rack

With every intention of

Giving you a heart attack.

It worked, oh baby, and you were none the wiser.

I fed you, I drenched you with my appetizer.

Then just when you thought you’d fall head over heel…

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

I canceled the meal!

.

CHORUS

Because you lied to me

You told me you loved me.

You cried for me

To prove it was true.

You lied to me

You said to me, “Oh, baby

You lied to me

Oh, baby there’s only you.”

girl-power-fist

Would you have joined our club?

.

Blaque Book

sylverblaque-blaque-book

 

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