Flipsyde: Youth Rules

older-woman-in-bikiniShe’s old.

Well, old-er.

But you want to be open-minded. Tolerant. Inclusive.

You don’t want to be the shallow asshole who notices the sagging parts of older women.

You’re not that guy.

You are open to dating women in their 40’s. Even though you could date girls in their 20’s, and revel in their non-sagging attractions. Like lush, young breasts…firm, young bottoms…tight, young –

Okay, stop.

Not going there.

Not en route to pick up your 40-something blind date.

Who, according to your matchmaking friend, could easily pass for 30-something. Of course, you realize this will probably be because of cosmetic surgery which you’ll be obligated by etiquette to pretend you don’t notice.

But you were married to an aging woman for decades (until you realized, that even well into your 50’s, you could still get younger women). So, you’ve become adept at the game of not noticing sags and hollows miraculously plumped and lifted overnight.

Piece ‘o cake!

young-woman-in-bikiniFunny how you call older women ‘older‘ when they’re the same age as you. But times have changed.

Older men don’t date women their age anymore.

Especially when they can get someone younger…firmer…tighter…


Not going there.

Not while standing on the porch of your ‘older‘ date’s house. Time to pull your psyche together, and adjust your expectations accordingly. Sympathy usually helps.

Because you really do feel bad for ‘older‘ women. They get the short end of the stick (not your stick – your stick, of course, is still vital and enormous). Society damns older women to sexual invisibility, buries them beneath pedestals erected for the more youthful of their sex.

Mmmm. Youthful sex…


Not going there.

Not while smiling into the face of your 40-something date as she stands in the doorway. Hmph. She may be 10 years younger than you, but you’ve now had dates 30 years younger than you, and the physical difference is quite noticeable.

Her name is Heather. You were expecting more bloom on the bud to go along with that name, but blind dates are unpredictable. You knew she was ‘older’ but her name (along with your friend’s description) offered hope that Heather’s age wouldn’t show in vital areas. Like her face. Or body.

Okay, stop.

You are not that guy.

woman-with-cosmetic-surgery-injectionsYou are open to dating women in their late 40’s – which is how old Heather looks.

But her chipmunk cheeks and unnatural lip swelling means she’s really in her 50’s.

Nevertheless, she’s attractive. The cosmetic surgery is pretty typical nowadays, so you’ll go blind to it eventually.

Until then, you’re a consummate gentlemen.

And, on the up side, older women are usually much more engaging conversationalists with delightful personalities. You always enjoy their company, which helps immensely in bed when trying to overlook their physical shortcomings. Like aging.

Sure, there’s some hot older women out there still toppling around on stilettos; some even still look delicious uncovered. Because, with older babes, it’s when the clothes come off that things get dicey. Things sag, fall and flatten out. Or look and feel unnatural.

No matter how much work they’ve had done, when the clothes come off, the truth comes out and that can cause serious shrinkage in an old guy who spends a good chunk of time secretly ogling 20-somethings.

But really, it’s about more than sex.

older-man-with-younger-womanYounger women, they make you feel alive again…invigorated. Like you’re not really old.

The way they’re always up for anything keeps you on your toes.

And you love way they dress…letting nearly everything show because their bodies are so young and tight, rather than covering up the best parts the way older women do because something might hang or jiggle.

Moreover, with a young woman on your arm, the envious looks from other men – young and old, alike – makes you feel like a King.

The way younger women treat you makes you feel good, too. They look at you adoringly, flirt with you boldly, seek your advice, take your word for everything, are constantly impressed by your intelligence. And they get so excited about things women your own age are jaded to. Moreover, young babes express effusive gratitude for things older women have come to expect.

There’s just something about the way younger women make you feel…emotionally and, yeah, definitely physically.

Helping Heather into the car, you sneak a peek at her implanted cleavage and thank your lucky stars for having been born a man. You will not age yourself into sexual obscurity until well into your 70’s. And even then…well, just look at Hugh Hefner, and Harry Belafonte. But until then, you’ll be the Michael Douglas, Sammy L. Jackson, Pierce Brosnan of society.

No worries.


It’s good to be the King!



old-man-with-old-portable-phoneHe’s old.

Really old.

Like, grandpa old.

But you want to be open-minded. Tolerant. Inclusive.

You don’t want to be the gold-digging Lolita that everyone will perceive you to be the minute they see you with him.

You’re not that girl.

Okay, yeah, there’s definitely more ‘gold’ to be had from dating a grandpa than someone your own age. Because, like, what do most guys in their 20’s really have except hardbodies and hard di—

Okay, stop.

Not going there.

Not while primping for your blind date with a grandpa. Who, according to your relentless cupid bff, could easily pass for a dad instead of a grandpa. Of course, you realize this will probably be because of desperate hours spent in a gym — which you’ll be smart enough to pretend wows the holy hell out of you.


But you were semi-engaged to a dad/grandpa hybrid for, like, almost a year (until you realized that, even with all the wining, dining, gift-giving bling, you’d never be able to really commit to a lifetime of faked orgasms). But that relationship helped you become a pro at the game of doe-eyed admiration for a grandpa’s delusional self-image.

No sweat!

And, hel-lo, times have changed. Hot, young thangs like you don’t date guys your own age anymore. Especially when she can so easily wow an aging dad or a grandpa with her young, firm, tight stuff.

young-hot-guy-in-underwareOf course, dating guys your own age has its advantages, too.

Like their young, firm, tight stuff…


Not going there.

Not while sashaying to open the door for your much older date. Time to pull your psyche together, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

Sympathy usually helps.

Because you really do feel bad for old dudes. They get the limp end of the stick, trying to compete with all the young hardbodies also lusting after you. Society damns old dudes to a delusional yet un-confronted alternate reality in which they think they’re actually on pedestals more erect than they could ever be any more.


Real erections…


Not going there.

Not while smiling into the face of your 50-something date as he stands in your doorway. Hmph. He may be only 30 years older than you, but…well, yeah, okay, like, there’s really no ‘only’ in front of 30 years older. But, whatever.

His name is Bob. You were expecting just what you’re looking at. Grandpa dates are totally predictable. Though each time you secretly hope one of them will surprise you by taking a lucid look at you and saying, “You know what? I’m not that guy — the one who dates his daughter/granddaughter. Let me introduce you to my son/grandson. Because that’s who you should be dating.”


Jesse Metcalfe

And, since you’re dreaming, he’ll add, “My young, hardbody son/grandson looks exactly like Jesse Metcalf, and I’ll be leaving all my bling to him when I drop dead next year…

Okay, stop.

You are not that girl.

You are totally open to dating grandpas in their late 50’s — which is how old this grandpa looks. But his impossibly thick-on-top, jet black hair, and thin lips means he’s really in his 60’s.


At least he’s…um…well, he does work out. Maybe you’ll go blind to the…well, everything, eventually. Until then, you’re the poster child (literally) for blind adoration.

And, on the up side, grandpas are usually way funnier than guys your own age. The things they say and do to try to seem younger are hilarious. And they’re super-smart, too. For real. They know stuff from, like, the beginning of time.

All this helps loads in bed when you’re trying to get over their physical shortcomings. Like short cummings. 😐

sean-conneryI mean, sure there’s some hot dads & grandpas out there still strutting around with their chests puffed out. Some even still look halfway decent uncovered.

Because with older dudes, it’s when the clothes come off that things get ugly. Things sag, and hang limply. Or look ridiculous while being forcibly sucked in or comically flexed.

No matter how buff they think they are, when the clothes come off, the truth comes out and that can cause a serious desert storm in a moist young thang who spends every melting moment ogling hardbodies her own age.

But, on the real, it’s about so much more than sex.

Older dudes, they make you feel like a freakin’ goddess. Like, you’re Aphrodite, Cleopatra, Nefertiti…all those hot divas that had men drooling on their rafia sandals. The way old dudes are always up for doing anything you say keeps you feeling powerful and important. The way grandpas ogle you in every outfit, from sweats to thongs, reminds you every minute of every day just how totally irresistible you truly are.

See, young guys don’t do this consistently. Because they’re always sneak-looking at some other young, hot thang. Consistently.

Plus, with an old dude at your side, the envious looks from other women – young (because they know there’s bling involved) and old (because they used to be you, but now they’re your mom) – makes you feel like this…


The way grandpas treat you makes you feel high, too.

They look at you adoringly, drool like babies when you flirt with them, puff out their chests like winded sails at your every word of praise. And they can’t wait to shower you with bling – which they literally beg you to take it in order to prove their worth because they know youth & beauty comes at a premium.

There’s just something about the way older dudes make you feel…emotionally, if not physically. Ya know?

As grandpa-date helps me into his to-die-for sports car (sigh! why can’t guys my age have such bling toys?), I thank my lucky stars for being young. I rock the world, right now. Just look at, well, anybody young. We are what everyone else aspires to be. Plastic surgeons & personal trainers are becoming zillionaires on clients who want to be us —  young, firm, tight and…well, young.

No worries.

Because, as society reminds you at every turn, youth rules.


It’s good to be the Queen!




Perfectly normal?


Can you see this issue from both sydes?


See all Foreign Eyes Friday Flipsyde posts!


Foreign Eyes Friday


8 thoughts on “Flipsyde: Youth Rules

  1. As an older woman married to an older man, who for some reason still adores me and acts like I’m God’s gift to sexiness, all I can say is, if you can, while you’re still young and firm, find someone wonderful and marry them. In a few years, you’ll be screaming at each other and actually hate the thought of having to climb in bed with them. The good news is that this is just a phase. it’s just as much a part of marriage as that dreamy day you got married. Eventually you will find your way back to one another and then dynamite couldn’t tear you apart. At least that’s my story and I’m so glad I toughed out the bad days. I can’t imagine dating, wearing a bikini or having my lips done.

    • Awww! It’s so wonderful that your husband adores you so. 🙂 And 😆 to your advice – funny, sanguine & a good guide for future married couples. I love happy endings!

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