She’s been flapping her gums ever since opening credits.
Maybe I should have bought popcorn to keep her pie hole full.
Then at least I’d have a chance to hear parts of the movie between mouthfuls.
Does she not notice the dirty looks we’re getting? The guy behind her has nudged the back of her seat twice already, and the people in the row in front of us keep turning around to glare.
Is she blind?
She’s definitely not mute.
Her mouth is a runaway train.
She’s talking to the characters in the movie, asking them questions, telling them what to do next, calling them names.
She’s got a running commentary going about the action, the dialog, the wardrobe, the plot.
She’s telling me the backstory of each actor that enters a scene. If she doesn’t know the actor or his backstory, she makes one up.
“Who’s that kid? He looks familiar. He looks a lot like Heath Ledger. Wouldn’t it be funny if that was Heath Ledger’s secret kid? Like, he got some girl pregnant right before he died, and she’s keeping quiet about it because she was married and now she’s passing this kid off as her husband’s…”
You mean like you’re passing yourself off as someone who’s watching a movie?
“Look at her. That is not her hair. And you just know she’s had work done. Why do Hollywood stars think nobody’ll notice they sprouted triple-D cups overnight? Or that they can’t blink anymore because their faces are stretched so tight?”
If I just got up and left, didn’t come back…would that be wrong?
“Awww! That was so sweet! Wasn’t that adorable? I love movies like this, when they show the soft side of a tough guy. It’s closer to the reality of humanness than having only one-dimensional characters, you know? What do you think?”
I think you should shut up.
“Ooooo! Did you see that? He almost got killed! He was three seconds away from being decapitated! Did you see? That was great! I wish I could rewind it. Movies should have individually operated remotes, don’t you think? Wouldn’t that be great?”
Definitely. Then we could all rewind to hear the parts you’re blabbing over.
“This is a ridiculous plot. Who wrote this thing, anyway? Why would that cop rat on his partner? That would never happen. It’s so far from reality that it’s laughable! What do you think about that scene? Did you believe it?”
I wouldn’t know. I didn’t get to hear that scene.
Neither did anyone sitting near us.
Jeez, people are so rude!
You don’t just publicly shush someone like that. Who do these people think they are, anyway? Shush-ing me?
I paid the same $12 for my movie ticket as they did. I can talk if I want to; I’m not talking to them. I’m talking to my date – who should be defending me against these rude shush-ers.
Come to think about it, my date’s not saying much of anything.
I’m doing all the talking.
I hate dates like this, where the guy just sits there staring straight ahead, contributing nothing to the conversation. This guy hasn’t said a word since the movie started. No opinion about the action, the dialog, the wardrobe, the plot. Nothing.
All I got was a tight smile in response to my fantasy scenario about a child actor in the movie who is the spitting image of Heath Ledger.
My silent date doesn’t even comment on the actors’ almost-human plastic faces comically attempting to display emotion in pivotal scenes.
And, I could swear I caught a flicker of annoyance at my observation about the vulnerability of the main bad-guy character.
No matter how much I try to make conversation, he just sits there.
Movies are supposed to be fun, an enjoyable interaction between people. It’s an opportunity to exchange jokes and poke fun, hash Hollywood gossip and trivia, inspire discussion about the topic of the movie. But from this date, I’m getting none of this.
What I am getting is shush-ed by strangers. I’m getting the back of my seat kicked repeatedly. I’m getting strange looks from people in the seats in front of us.
What is wrong with people?
Why do they come out to a crowded public place to watch a movie quietly? That is patently ridiculous. Crowded public places are the antithesis of quiet.
Besides, it’s just a movie. Get over yourselves. It’ll be on Netflix by next month, and you can watch it uninterrupted in the privacy of your own living room.
But now, here, you’re in a public forum. It’s a movie theatre, people. Not a library. Shush-ing is for libraries. Got it?
Hang on. Is that a baby crying?
Why do people bring babies to movies?
Get a sitter, or stay home. Don’t come here disrupting our enjoyment. That really pisses me off. It’s selfish, and inconsiderate. How’s anyone supposed to hear the movie through all that loud wailing?
And why does it take the parent so long to get up and take the baby out?
Your kid is crying in the middle of a movie.
We. Can’t. Hear.”
Are you a movie talker? Or a silent watcher?
How do you feel about the other side of the story?
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