Bloody Bitches: Soak It Up

medieval-couple-in-garden 

“Will you walk with me, milady?”

He is gallant, cultured, handsome in his gentleman’s velvet jacket, and slashed silk breeches.

From your position on the garden bench, you glance at him coyly. Beneath your sun bonnet, you bat your lashes alluringly.

His chest (or whatever) swells with ardor.

“Aye. But only to the rose arbor,” you agree, with stipulation. Eagerness in a noblewoman is unbecoming.

“You honor me, milady.” He bows, extends a muscular arm for you to take.

You rise, fluff your gown. You wish madly for his attention to be momentarily diverted so that you may pinch your cheeks surreptitiously. The sun is setting, but there is a lantern at the rose arbor. You want to be pink and pretty in the glow of its flame.

The walk begins with covert glances, shy smiles. This progresses into lovely conversation centered upon your grace and beauty. As you warm enough to grasp his arm more intimately, a sudden tug on yours startles you.

“What ever…?” You turn to find yourself facing one of your maids.

“Please forgive my bold intrusion, your ladyship,” she begs. “But I must speak with thee.”

‘Dare thee intrude…?”

“Your ladyship, please!” Your maid grasps your arm. “I beseech thee! The matter is urgent!”

Indignation flares your nostrils. This peasant! Who on the Lord’s green earth does she believe herself to be? Insinuating herself..pulling at you this way – the audacity!

“Unhand me, maid!” you hiss through clenched teeth. “Have you taken leave of your senses?”

“Er…milady. If I may…” Your gentleman removes his waistcoat, ties the dangling arms about your waist.

You blanche.

Your cheeks flame wildfire.

Grasping your skirts into trembling fists, you run.

Like the wind.

Because you know there is only one reason a gentleman would do such a thing. A supremely embarrassing, humiliating, scourge-of-the-earth reason.

red-forest 

You, milady, have morphed into a bloody bitch.

And you are leaving a scarlet trail of evidence of your affliction.

Bloody bitchdom, being the private plague that it was during the medieval era, did not lend itself to copious volumes of information concerning how women soaked it up. In fact, there is very little left behind to tell us exactly what women used to absorb their crimson rivers.

Nancy Friedman, author of “Everything You Must Know About Tampons,” tells us that ancient Egyptian women rolled papyrus into tampons as early as the 15th century B.C. And Dr. Patricia Sulak, of Texas A&M University, contends that these same women used sanitary napkins of sea sponge-topped linen pads, as well as tampons made of rolled cotton. Japanese women constructed some form of paper tampons as well, while Roman women did the same with wool. Persian women used vegetable fibers, sea sponges and grass.

ancient-tampon Prostitutes – the only unconditionally accepted medieval bloody bitches – got double duty from tampons by using them as birth control as well.

Not to disparage the innovation of medieval prostitutes, but….ewww!

According to Hippocrates, in writings from the 5th century B.C., Greeks were the actual inventors of tampons, having created the blood-sucking bullets from lint wrapped around little pieces of wood.

It’s interesting to note that until the 20th century, American and European women menstruated much less often than we do today for many reasons, as detailed by the Museum of Menstruation.

And here’s a medieval herbal recipe to help ease the horrors of bloody bitchdom:

Take half a drachma of triacle diatesseron, the same amounts of cockle flour and myrrh, and grind them together with bull’s gall in which savin or rue has been rotted. Then cover the mixture with cotton and thereof make a suppository as large as your little finger and put it in your privy member, but first anoint it with clean honey and oil together, sprinkle powder of scammony on it, and put it in the privy member; one can do the same with lupin root, and that is much better.

Feeling less bloody?

Marvy! 🙂

Now, brace yourself.

Because here comes the all-time crown of a solution for blood absorption…

You are a Polynesian bloody bitch.

A special hut has been built to house your bleeding arse. It is miles away from your village, to protect non-bleeding villagers from your bloody scourge.

ancient-mentstrual-hut-engraving

Ancient carving above entrance of menstrual hut in New Guinea. It depicts a squatting woman with a large drop of blood falling from her ‘private privy.’

You must go there.

You must squat over the hole dug into the ground inside the hut. And you must remain squatting over that hole until you have bled out. This will take up to 7 days.

But no worries!

Your legs are exercised and strengthened monthly for endurance of this bloody bitch hell, squatting in your quarantined bloody bitch hut, over a bloody bitch hole designed to absorb the crimson river flowing from your own bloody hole.

Don’t you feel special?

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Man or woman?

Which would you choose to be if you lived in the medieval era?

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Read Sylver’s Medieval Monday Bloody Bitches series!

medieval-man-pulling-away-from-bloody-medieval-woman

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Medieval Monday

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22 thoughts on “Bloody Bitches: Soak It Up

  1. Love the Red Tent ~ love the thought of going to a special place with other bleeding women and being alone and quiet, receiving massages from the young ones who are not yet menstruating. Ah, and now I am one of the old ones that does not bleed any longer ~ worked through all the phases. Thanks for the info ~ I love learning like this … such fun!

    • Thank you, Petie! 🙂 Sounds like you’re up for a big hoo-ha menstrual fest. Well, you would be the perfect Polynesian medieval menstrual matriarch. (Can you say that 10 times fast?)

  2. Pingback: Bloody Bitches: She-Midas | Sylver Blaque

  3. DEAR LORD. I actually LOVE historical fiction and when I was a teen read “The Red Tent” about something Biblical:) and it was about the tent where the women had to go during their time of the month. It was fascinating to me and made me appreciate, at least a tiny bit, how much better off I was. The cramps were horrendous, though, so I wasn’t completely appreciative:)

    • You guys should read “A Year of Living Biblically” When I managed the bookstore, I got to read it before it was released and It is one of my favorite books ever, there’s all kinds of useless knowledge in it. Ben Franklin proposed daylight savings time.

    • Oh, you just know I have to read Red Tent, now. Thanx for this! And yeah, anyone who comes up with a magic cure for cramps will win a Nobel prize. Hmmm…what exactly would that prize be called, tho? The Nobel Woman’s Relief Prize? 😯

  4. I have wondered about this, but didn’t think anyone else did. You have now added to my wealth of knowledge. (useless knowledge, according to my husband- “who really cares who invented the idea of daylight savings time?”)
    However, I do not think I will be sharing this with him, Its will be the SITS girls secret in my house.
    Great post, thanks for sharing.

  5. With my oh so valuable degree in history, I must say I find it fascinating. And I kind of wish I was a Polynesian. I would have buns of steel and get a seven day vacation every month. Sign me up! Saying hello from our SITS group!

    • Hi Gretchen! Thanx for dropping by. Loving our SITS group & LOVE the way you see bloody bitch hut-squatting…buns of steel, 7-day vacay…yes. Most definitely, yes. Please pass the sign-up sheet! 🙂

  6. I am not going to be the stupid male that makes the stupid male joke so there is no way I will make a comment that substantiates that I am a stupid male, No siree, I will not comment at all. Some woman will give me a bloody nose !

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