Sex With Bloody Bitches

 medieval-couple-in-bedYour husband wants progeny – males, of course – to carry forth his name. 

He also wants sex.

But alas, you bleed.

No sex for you!

 

Okay. 

But let’s say you’re not married. 

You’re a damsel in sexual distress. You show no sign of pregnancy but you have not bled for months, and need relief in the worst way. 

And so, your gallant lover stands beside your bed. As he gazes down upon your nakedness, his medieval erection rises and slumps in unison with the expressions on his face. The poor dear is torn…

Arousal…repulsion…sworn duty…

Huh?

Repulsion? Are you that hideous?

And what’s this ‘sworn duty’ crap?

Well, according to history professor and medievalist Dyan Elliot, sex was a moral sin for the unmarried. However, it was also a ‘known’ cure for a young female’s desire caused by “retention of spoiled and putrid menstrual fluid.”

medieval-woman-in-medical-drawingIt was believed that “menses blood-letting” started in the head and traveled throughout the body, “collecting poisonous wastes and humors.”

Therefore, sex with a bloody bitch would kill or “mutilate” the semen, producing horribly deformed offspring or children with red hair or leprosy.

Surely, a sign of God’s supreme displeasure. Why, just the gaze of a bloody bitch was poisonous; vapors emitted from her eyes were believed to maim and even kill!

Wow.

Imagine having those powers today?

Mwaaaa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!! 😈

At some point in this bloody discourse, Aristotle came to the conclusion that menstruation blood, though toxic, was purifying for women, but dangerous for men: “If you knowingly go with a menstruous woman, your whole body will be infected…the stink will corrupt a man’s entire insides...”

No wonder your medieval lover can’t keep his sword up!

But it’s his sworn duty to relieve you of your venom by injecting you with mana from his member…

You see, ancient Greeks believed semen was located in the brain, and “descended through the spinal cord to the testicles.” While semen was seen as “the seed of man, composed of the purest substance of all parts of the body, and therefore the purest substance of man,” menstrual blood was “toxic.

Therefore, a shot of semen was the medical prescription for a rabid bloody bitch.

muscular-medieval-man

But there was the Trotula to contend with. This treatise on women’s health written by a female physician in the 11th or 12th century, posed a conundrum since it presented logical views of a woman’s anatomy.

However, once intellectual {cough! choke!}, misogynistic Middle Age minds convinced their penises egos that the Trotula could not possibly have been written by a woman (because logic requires a penis male brain), they were able to allow the treatise to inform medieval medicine and philosophy.

Sort of.

The Trotula calls menstruation “the flowers.” It states that, like trees which cannot bear fruit without flowers, women could not bear children without first “flowering” by menstruation.

Makes perfect sense.

But too much logic can be deflating – to more than just the ego.

So, the great Middle Age penises minds of medicine and philosophy decided to add a codicil to the Trotula – a stipulation that women who did not menstruate might suffer from “wandering of the uterus.”

Lo, ho!

A deathly affliction!

A misplaced uterus could create havoc in other parts of the body, even cause stoppage of breath. Whether the womb was stationary or whether it ‘wandered‘ around inside the body became a medieval medical obsession. For, if the uterus ‘wandered,’ it could cause vomiting – if it stopped at the heart, and an ashy complexion – if it stopped at the liver.

And, really, how many ashy, vomiting women could medieval men be expected to willingly inject cure with their sanctified swords?

These penile learned minds linked wandering wombs to hysteria. In fact, the word hysterical translates as ‘madness of the womb‘. It was a solely female madness brought on by lack of intercourse.

she-hulk

So, even though blood was wicked bitchy, it had to flow.

Guess what the medical cure was for “bringing down a woman’s course?”

Let’s say it all together, now…

SEX!

A treatise called ‘De Secretis Mulierum’ (‘On the Secrets of Women’), whose author claimed to be German philosopher Albertus Magnus, lays out the imminent danger to the penis that finds its merry way into a bloody bitch:

O my companions, you should be aware of the many evils which result from this. For when men have sexual intercourse with these women, it sometimes happens that they suffer a large wound and a serious infection of the penis because of iron that has been placed in the vagina….

 dangerous-hole-with-sharp-teeth

Wow.

I guess we can credit Mangus for the preservation of the penis!

But this ancient genius did not only champion perpetuation of the penis. He also rescued centuries of women by extolling the necessity, née duty, of having sex with bung-up bloody bitches who often became ill when “full of spoiled and poisonous menstrual fluid.” 

Says Albertus: “It would therefore be good for such women…to have frequent sexual intercourse to expel this matter. It is particularly good for young women, as they are full of moisture. Young women, when they are full of such matter, feel a strong desire for sex. It is therefore a sin in nature to keep them from it…”

Sweet sigh!

How benevolent of this God-fearing philosopher to be so spiritually concerned about the sins of not having frequent sex with young, dewy women.

I am moved!

medieval-man-and-girl

And this, dewy damsel, is why your gallant, medieval lover’s sword cannot decide it’s course. 

Phallus confliction!

Shall he venture forth as a warrior into the deep crevice of sweet hell – a kamikaze  feat by all accounts? 

Or shall he err on the side of penile preservation, forsaking his sworn duty to relieve you of your bloody ills?

According to well-documented history of faulty penis-to-brain connection, I believe the answer to this dilemma has been playing itself out for centuries….

Plunge ho!

chimps-having-sex

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What do you think about this medieval view of bloody bitches?

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Read Sylver’s Medieval Monday Bloody Bitches series!

medieval-man-pulling-away-from-bloody-medieval-woman

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Medieval Monday

sylverblaque-medieval-monday

5 thoughts on “Sex With Bloody Bitches

  1. Pingback: The 3 S’s in P-e-n-i-s | Sylver Blaque

  2. Pingback: Bloody Bitches: Soak It Up | Sylver Blaque

  3. Pingback: Bloody Bitch Hair | Sylver Blaque

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