You are not a morning person.
Mornings for you, no matter how well you’ve slept, mean shuffling sluggishly through a thick fog that takes a full hour to clear.
Silence is key.
Your brain synapses are awakening verrrrry slowly.
Average-decibel sounds are magnified. Normal motion is a full-on attack to your somnolent senses. Aggressive interaction could possibly knock you into a coma.
No, you don’t drink. You’re not on drugs. You’re not in a bad mood, either. This is just your physical make up, it’s how you’re programmed.
You are a morning slug.
Unfortunately for slugs, they must co-exist with geckos.
Geckos are morning people.
Mornings for geckos, no matter how little they’ve slept, mean skittering around like kids on sugar.
Unable to contain their physical electricity, they dash around slugs, bumping, jolting, jarring, and otherwise assaulting the poor creatures with activity.
Sound is key.
Their brain synapses are live wires.
Average-decibel sound is not electric enough for morning geckos, so they raise the volume, chirping and chattering like a jungle full of exotic birds.
No, geckos aren’t on steroids. They’re not Red Bull addicts either. This is just their physical make up, it’s how they’re programmed.
Geckos are morning crackheads.
At least, that’s what I believe.
Yeah. I’m a slug.
So, here we have the makings of two morning biological extremes.
What happens when they come into contact with each other?
(Yeah. That’s what us slugs want to do to chirping geckos.)
Slug, exuding slow but clear signals of “Leave me the hell alone,” expects gecko to respect those signals and respond accordingly. Gecko, shooting off flares of “Hey! Hi! Be social with me!,” expects slug to wake the hell up and sparkle right along with him.
But slug scowls.
And gecko gets huffy.
What kind of social interaction is this?
Believe it or not, completely normal.
Canadian researchers found, in experiments on ‘early birds’ and ‘night owls,‘ that morning people’s physical strength peaked at 9am, then slowly decreased throughout the day. But, ‘night people’ had peak performance in the evening.
One researcher said, “It is very difficult for a night owl to become a morning person.” And another added, “There is evidence that biological rhythms are dictated by genes.”
See? Like I said, completely normal.
But not accepted in the real world.
Like, if you have a day job. And a boss who expects you to be there. In the morning. Ready to perform like a gecko.
“American society favors morning people, because the typical work day begins in the morning and ends in the evening,” says Dr. Nancy Collop, Medical Director of the Johns Hopkins Sleep Disorders Center. Her sleep center tends to have many more night owls seeking help than early risers, she said.
More often than not, people come to a sleep clinic having been mislabeled as insomniacs when they are just night owls, Collop said. “Their body clock is separate from what their work clock is supposed to be.”
SO unfair. Inequitable. Discriminatory, even. I mean, hel-lo! It’s our genetic biology. Not. Our. Fault!
Can I get a mass slug “Amen???”
Yeah, I hear all you geckos out there screaming, “Suck it up!”
But careful, gecko.
We might sneak up behind you and slime your tail. And when it falls off, guess what we’ll say?
“Suck it up, gecko!”
And until the clock strikes noon, keep it down!!
Are you a slug or a gecko?
How do you slugs deal with morning geckos?
How do you geckos deal with morning slugs?